How ED came into our lives

I've been engaged in a battle for 3 months now; a battle with ED and I'm fighting it for life and love!

You may be thinking: what? who? Well, let me clarify. ED as many folks now use it, represents Eating Disorder, for me, my daughter's eating disorder, my 11 year old daughter's eating disorder; and ED and I are not, NOT on good terms.

There are days I can't believe I'm in this battle. How did this happen to my little girl? I think anytime any of us or our loved ones are ravaged with a disease or condition, its normal to think right? How did THIS happen to ME? But somehow it does. Cancer, mental illness, developmental disorders, and yes, eating disorders happen to "me" whoever me is. As "normal" as I might be, as atypical for a particular illness/disease as I might be, these things can still happen and ED; happen he did.

I guess I don't know when exactly ED got a hold of my little girl. Was it the first time I heard her say, "I'm so fat" in probably 3rd or 4th grade? Was it when she started competitive soccer? Was it when they started talking about "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods in the health unit in PE? I'm not sure we'll ever know. Rather, I know when maybe ED started manipulating my little girl and I think, it was about 9 months ago. Which then of course, always gives me a twinge of guilt; why didn't I think it was serious then? Why didn't a pay closer attention? I should have noticed something! I mean, my best friend through high school was and still is suffering from ED's claws. I have a degree in counseling. I work in a department where I have an "emergency procedure" to follow if eating disorder symptoms present themselves in students that live on campus where I work, but still, I didn't know, I mean really know. I keep reminding myself of that; that she's my first child, that children are exposed to stuff earlier, that, unfortunately, part of what I saw was "typical" in today's tween girl. I know this, but still the guilt. Then I thank God that I knew enough to get her help at least as early as we did. I think about all the parents out there, the ones who weren't best friends with someone who battled this disease, that didn't live with this in college, that didn't know that the anorexia will change the person and make them do very manipulative things. If I hadn't had my experiences with my friend, I am convinced, I would have continued to watch my little girl spiral further out of control into more danger than thank God where we ended up before I went to battle.

Like I said, I'm not sure when it started exactly, but it began somewhere in the spring of her 5th grade year, probably shortly after she turned 10, yes, 10. It seems so young, and it is in terms of the "average" age to develop an eating disorder, but by the same token, its becoming more and more common. I noticed she had slimmed out, but I assumed it was a result of a growth spurt and playing on an additional competitive soccer team in February through April. Certainly those play a part; they usually do. Often an eating disorder starts with innocent dieting or "healthy eating" to improve athletic performance. For some folks, that's all it is. In others, who have a certain predisposition, an eating disorder can latch on to this initiative and take it over completely. Our daughter had been a bit on the overweight side from about the ages of five to eight or nine and so a trimming down was okay at first. I think then several things happened at once; she began about a year before, taking medication for ADD (which often is an appetite suppressant), a year and a half before she started competitive soccer and then a few months before, joined an additional team for more play time, she had a health unit in gym which included height and weight measurements and BMI recordings, she grew, and she was approaching adolescence. I think this all happened and to a girl who is predisposed to developing an eating disorder; anxious, driven, etc. It was the perfect opportunity for ED.

The first thing I noticed was a preoccupation with how much she weighed, how tall she was and what her body looked like in comparison to many of the other girls at school. Of course, she was basing, at least the weight and height, on what the other girls "said" they weighed and measured at. One friend in particular, who is a sweet girl and not overly caught up in the "thin craze" that even young girls catch on too, but is athletic, competitive and prone to exaggeration, told our daughter she weighed in the 70s. I don't believe it for one second. Even though she was thin, she wasn't sickly and she was tall. There were other girls too she compared herself to and she just focused on that. Then she began weighing herself. I noticed it often enough for it to strike me, but not often enough to think it was more than pre-teen angst. I recently found out from her however, just how obsessive she was about it; weighing herself morning, right after school and at night; over and over again. She sobbed as she described this to me. It broke my heart. The behavior that really put up my antennae was during May when I discovered based on something she said to me, that she wasn't eating lunches anymore at school. She claimed she wasn't hungry then and would eat when she got home. We talked about the importance of eating throughout the day to maintain energy and focus for school and soccer and she agreed to eat at lunch. I think she did, but I'm not really sure.

Fast forward to summer. Summer she seemed a bit better, but then again, we were more visible. She stayed home a few weeks, she went to camp for a few weeks, but we made her lunches and we went on vacation. Even still, she seemed preoccupied with how much she ate and healthy vs. unhealthy foods again. I noticed this especially during her performance camp where she became friends with a 14 year old girl who was stick thin and denied herself all "unhealthy" foods and was a vegetarian. Our daughter began whining during those three weeks about what we packed for lunch; she wanted just a sandwich and fruit. She said this 14 year old eats very healthy because she used to be overweight just like our daughter and doesn't want to get that way again. We told her everyone is different and restricting all treats doesn't make sense long term. She ate then, but only because we pushed her I think. Again, hindsight is 20/20 but I remember seeing a local tv spot on her performance camp and her in a segment from A Chorus Line and thinking wow, she's thin, but again, chalked it up to height growth....oh if I knew then what I know now! About this time she always would ask "is it okay if I eat this? (insert food) to her dad and I. Even during our summer trip to Florida, as I reflect on it now, she was some what restricting what she ate; things like ice cream that would be normal to indulge in on vacation she was very cautious about. Then in mid-August, we went to my in-laws for a party and both my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law commented on how little she was eating and how much weight she had lost. I remember at one point hearing our daughter say back to her Aunt, I'm normal; and my sister-in-law saying, "no, you're not". This for some reason struck a cord with me, because there was a time when I thought my sister in law might have an eating disorder herself. She's very health conscious, but also a physician, so for her to same something....concerned me.

A couple of weeks later, our girls went to stay with her grandparents for a week. The second half of the week, they were with my Mom and Stepdad on Cape Cod. Now again, my mother is very, very health conscious, but mentioned she noticed some weird behavior. Our daughter loves ice cream. They took the girls to their favorite ice cream place and our oldest wouldn't get an ice cream, until my Mom, noticing how badly she wanted one, convinced her it was okay in moderation. Later that week, our daughter, who was entering 6th grade, got her team assignment; she was split from almost all her good friends and had an all out breakdown at my Mom's. After she returned things seemed okay and then we went away to my Dad's for a Labor Day Weekend camping trip and again, she would only eat when we harassed her and again, things she used to love once in a while; like s'mores, she said she didn't want.I just assumed it was nerves about school. Finally, 6th grade started, and surprisingly, academically and socially she transitioned easily and told us she was actually enjoying it. While this might have been true, her behaviors around food and exercise became very pronounced and very out of the ordinary for an 11 year old, even one dealing with tween "stuff".

The first odd thing happened the first week of school. She came home and told us her gym teacher (who she had for the two years prior as well) sent her on an "errand" to the nurse and then the nurse weighed and measured her and was concerned because she grew a few inches since her spring fitness assessment and dropped 5 pounds. This concerned me so I saw the nurse during open house night and told her I had been concerned about some of her attitude and heard about the weight loss and was keeping my eye on it. Its like that's all ED needed to hear because he ratcheted it up. Suddenly she began measuring food, skipping lunches again, and becoming more hard core in soccer than I had ever seen her. Then one day, soccer was cancelled due to the field flooding; she started crying. I thought it extremely odd, but when she said, "fine, I'm going to run on the treadmill" and I said no, she looked at her dad and I with such anger and said, "fine, then I'll do 100 sit-ups and push-ups in my room and you can't stop me", I knew there was something very, very wrong. First, she hates sit-ups and push-ups and second, I've never, never seen her irrational about working out and the anger....I knew, at that very moment, that there was a problem and that we had to do something before it became a bigger problem.

Her 6th grade physical was coming up so I called her pediatrician to give him a heads up about our concerns; he was out sick. So, instead, I wrote him a note outlining our concerns and the time line. He read the note and his nurse called me the Friday before her scheduled Monday appointment. She told me there had been an error in the computer scheduling and we'd need to reschedule the appointment and he read the letter and "wants her seen at the local eating disorder clinic as soon as possible". I think I was in a bit of shock. I expected we were heading down a bad path and so were going to have to nip it in the bud, but I guess I didn't expect such an immediate reaction. Isn't that crazy? After all I had seen and all I knew about ED and it still didn't occur to me how serious of a grip ED had already. That's the amazing thing; ED manipulates everyone if you're not careful; not just the person themselves. I asked what as soon as possible meant and she told me that she had tentatively scheduled us with the clinic manager for Tuesday; Tuesday? like this Tuesday? I told her that was fine. We told our daughter about the note and the referral to an eating disorder clinic. She was very upset, but seemed to get over it a bit over the weekend. Well, I found out one thing on that Tuesday evening, ED doesn't like people standing up to him; not at all. We pulled into the parking lot and panic set in. My daughter told me she would absolutely not go and began sobbing. Thank goodness I had done my research on treatments and approaches beforehand because finally, after much consistency, firmness, and a bit of threatening (I'm pretty sure to take away her cell phone and hospitalize her as horrible as this sounds) she, glaring at me the entire time, begrudgingly followed me into the office. That was the first of many terrifying steps, that we've taken since; especially for her. I look back on that day and remain devastated that my little girl felt terrified, but also proud, that we both made it through, because we took the first step in our battle against ED.